Zombie Apocalypse

Forget global warming and Iranian nukes, we all know the real threat has always been zombies.  In this linked article, cracked.com details 5 “scientific” reasons the zombie apocalypse is inevitable.  If you like this sort of thing, I highly recommend Max Brooks’ work of speculative fiction, “World War Z”.

While you’re living it up tonight, try not to die. 

Zombies!

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Squirrel Tag, Monkey Toss

I’ve invented a new game (evil smile).  It consists of sneaking up on neighborhood squirrels, then giving them a short tug on the tail.  The secret is to wait until they’re on one side of a tree, then stealthily creep to the opposite before darting around for the tag.  It’s especially gratifying when they let out a startled “Eeep!” before bounding away. 

A friend said the neighbors must think I’m weird. “Think?!” said I, “If they haven’t figured it out by now they’re idiots.” 

Bystanders may blink and shake their heads, but when civilization crumbles in 2012, they’ll be envious of my mad squirrel-hunting skills. 

The mischievous side of me considered taking the game to the next level (“Squirrel Toss”), but I’m not into cruelty to animals.  A man’s gotta have some scruples.  Though it would be awfully hilarious to hurl a startled tree rat at an equally unsuspecting bystander.   So, who thinks I can make the 6:00 news? 

I may just buy one of those toy monkeys that shakes and screams when touched, and play “Monkey Toss” in a crowded park with some friends.  I want to see if we can get  disturbed pedestrians to intervene on the toy’s behalf.  And if I really want to freak people out, I’ll use this guy:

monkey1.jpg

Theological Thursdays

I’m going to switch things up, and post something of a non-ridiculous nature.  Today’s Topic:  God’s Will, Free Will, & Faith

I used to think one could, through prayer and discernment, come to know what God wants for particular parts of our lives, with the result that aligning our choices with Gods’ results in the best possible outcome.  Straying from the known will of God, on the other hand, would seem the very definition of sin (which in Hebrew is thought of more as “missing the mark”).  The presumption being that God’s Will is something fixed, rather than adaptive, fluid, and immensely respectful of human free will.   

Wondering if there might be an example from Scripture to help wrap my head around the dilemma, the Annunciation of Mary sprang to mind (Luke 1: 26-38).  What would’ve happened if Mary had refused to bear Jesus in her womb?  Would she still have been without stain of sin?  What could be more sinful than refusing to bear the child that brought salvation to the human race? 

And yet if she had no sinless option, could she really be said to be making a free choice?   Was there some alternative to bearing Christ that somehow aligned with the Will of God, even though it was evident God wished Mary to mother Christ?  It seems as though God’s Will has been nothing but adaptive to and supremely respectful of human will. 

God never willed that man should sin, or die.  And yet through free human will mankind sinned, and knew death.  So God’s Will adapts, it changes without losing its original character.  Man sins against himself, so God wills that “all men be saved” (1 Tim 2:4, 2 Peter 3:9).  Indeed giving reason to hope none will be eternally damned.  

One wonders how we might have known other members of the Trinity, if the Son had not needed to become one of us so we could be saved.  Would we have known the Son as a brother in flesh?

But we did Fall, so God willed that Christ be born of the Virgin.  And even in Christ’s redemptive sacrifice, God does not trample on choice.  Salvation is achieved as much by virtue of Christ’s human will, as his divine one.  In the Garden of Gethsemene Jesus, fully God and fully man, makes that agonizing choice, that cosmic gamble, affirming as blood sweats from him, “Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me, but not my will, but Yours be done”. 

 In Christ, as prefigured first in the annunciation of Mary, there is evidence of what happens when human and divine choice coincide.  With Mary’s assent to carry Christ, “the power of the Most High (overshadowed her),” just as Christ’s “obedience to death, even death on a Cross” enabled the salvation of humanity.  

Yet, while we see what happens when human and divine will join, the dynamic of how that occurs is occluded. In both Mary and Christ, it seems there was no ironclad certainty they were doing the Will of God.  Christ used that ambiguous conditional “if it be Your will” in his prayer to the Father…Mary questioned, “how can this (pregnancy) be, since I do not know man?”  

Paradoxically, obedience is only necessary where knowledge is incomplete, where doubt exists, and yet faith, trust in things unseen,  is precisely what makes obedience possible.  Faith and doubt coexist, though it seems often at odds, in a mysterious tension not unlike that between God’s Will and Human will.   

So here I am at the end of my ramblings, with little more understanding of God’s Will and how it works than when I began.  But then again, maybe understanding is grossly overrated.  From a certain perspective, our desire to understand is what got us into trouble in the first place (Can you not hear the serpent’s seduction? “If you eat the fruit of that tree you will know the difference between good and evil…you will be like gods”). 

Maybe the more beneficial thing than understanding is faith.  Perhaps that’s even why Jesus and Mary had to doubt–the quest for certainty and safety swept us from God–only by embracing those things could we come back to Him. 

How anxious Mary must have been after the Annunciation, to spend three whole months uncertain of her pregnancy!  Oh, to have a fraction of that woman’s faith…

I’m addicted…

…to Tuesday night television.  Between “Beauty and the Geek” and “Reaper”, the boobtube offers two solid hours of entertainment.   Last night, the guys and dolls from B & G went to Comic Con.  The beauties had to come up with an idea for a superhero(ine), and their geeks had to make them a costume. 

Some of the concepts were priceless.  Sam, the lone male “beauty”, decided “I’m invisible, and I can fly.  I go around impregnating girls and like, 5 minutes later they give birth!”

Jen, a cigar model, decided her character would “hypnotize people with my boobs,” which her Geek didn’t like one bit.  “It’s not realistic at all,” William commented. 

Newsflash…it’s not as unbelievable as you may think.   If they need names for her, I’m totally on top of it!  “Buttery Nipple”, “Tits McGee”, “Hypnareola” (hip-nair-eola), I could go on and on… 

Reaper is a comedy of a different color.  Kevin Smith (Clerks, Mallrats, etc.) is the creative consultant, and the show follows the exploits of a young man who’s been forced to work for Satan.  He goes about collecting souls that’ve escaped from Hell, all the while trying to hold down his job and win the heart of his best friend, Andi (the tasty Missy Peregrym, proving below she can look hot even while pissed-off). 

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Last night complications arose when Missy’s character started dating a guy named Greg (if only!).  Ironically, art mirrors reality, as the Devil threw a wrench in the works by telling the main character that Greg is dating other women…plural.  Satan summed up the situation by saying, “this playa even makes me a little jealous”.

That’s me all right, though it does feel at times like I’m just a piece in a cosmic game of chess.  Girls throw themselves at me, I turn down sexual offers because I’m saving myself for marriage…I can get a date any day of the week (had 3 first dates last week alone), yet getting in a decent relationship is next to impossible…  S.H., you could have spared me all this! 

Bachelor Extravaganza!

Oven Mitts.  “Drink or Dare”.  The “Bag [or Sac] of Wonder”.  Giant inflatable microphones.  Cigars and deep dish pizza.  T.P.’s caustic farts (“Dear God, it burns!”).  Vintage Sega (videogames) and the Buckeyes.  What do all these things have in common?  They were part of a two-day birthday/bachelor party that will live in memory–and appear on YouTube–for decades to come.  Epic, legendary, infamous…choose your adjective, the B.E. for the “K-man” was all these things and more!  Kudos and an internet high-five to “The Todd” for all the planning.

 

   the-mitt-copy.jpg

As with any experience that borders on the mystical in its sheer, soul-shaking awesomeness, it’ll take me a few days to recover, and words will always fail to accurately describe…I think I’m going to wait till we get the pics and vids, and then chronicle the bash, installment-style.

P.S.  I was wearing the above oven mitt(s) when I asked-out the hot waitress encountered during said extravaganza.   I’m not entirely sure I’m okay with dating a girl 8 years younger than me (19). 

Den of Iniquity

Do you know the location of your nearest brothel?  I do!  Ironically enough, two youth group members have one on their street, five minutes from school.  The girls have even been propositioned by johns.  I’m not joking. 

At a hearing yesterday in City Hall, citizens protested the “establishment’s” liquor license application.  I know, who could possibly have objections?  Alcohol+harlots=fun for the whole neighborhood, especially the kids. 

I had to resist going (to the hearing, not the whorehouse), for the sake of my job.  I’ve always had this urge to be held in “contempt of court”.  I yearn to recreate the scene from Transformers the Movie (1986, not 2007) during which Hotrod proclaims, “I have nothing BUT contempt for this court!”  

Hotrod

As modern society systematically tries to crush the sanity from me (much like poor Hotrod), I find it slightly more difficult to be courteous.  So I didn’t go, but rest assured if I had, the proceedings would’ve been interrupted by pithy comments like:

“Silence, strumpet.”

“Your Honor, I’d like to point out it’s a whorehouse…Did I mention IT’S A WHOREHOUSE?!” and,

“SIT DOWN, HO!” 

If the license goes through, we’re protesting, and calling a local news station.  Or Jerry Springer.  Youth Group Night at the Brothel…is that scandal I smell, or several cartons of strategically thrown eggs? 

Celebrate Hypocrisy!

Rantin Al

This is the face of your Nobel Peace Prize winner! Sagely savior, or global gasbag? One thing’s for sure, when he’s not screaming before crowds about how Bush “betrayed this country” and “played on our fears!” Gore knows how to bring reconciliation between people.

And sacrifice?! Who are you kidding? He may not have risked his life to save 2500 Jewish children from the hands of Nazi ovens. And he wasn’t arrested, tortured, and sentenced to death for it–like fellow nominee & social worker Irena Sendler–but the man gives and he gives!

Global Warming is the gift that keeps on giving, and Al certainly does his part to promote it, whether its by using 12-20 times more energy than the average American, spending over a thousand dollars a month on natural gas (a fossil fuel), or using a private jet to commute, the man is setting an example. Never mind that the methane he buys is 10X more potent a greenhouse gas than CO2.

And then there was his 1997 refusal to ratify the Kyoto Protocol.

I can only concur with my sister’s assessment of the award: “Al Gore [won]!? What a douche!”

When Mother Nature is dirty, a douche like Gore is exactly what we need. God bless you, Albert Arnold Gore!