Where’s the Beef?

Wendy, in your latest commercial you ask “Where’s the Beef?!”

I remember when you first used that line, all the way back in the early 80s.  Yes, I was but a year or three old.  In my mind, the cranky beef craving granny is linked with another pivotal experience of my earliest youth.  I was sitting in the recliner, left alone by myself in the darkened living room during “The Wizard of Oz”, when the flying monkies took Dorothy, Toto, and me completely unawares.

I had no recourse but to surround myself in a warm, pungent layer of my own poo, right there in the recliner.  Monkeys be damned, if they were going to come through that screen and abduct me from my loving home, they’d pay a price.

Things have changed Wendy.  “Where’s the beef?”

The beef’s right here, baby, all grown up and ready to kick some flying monkey ass.

Five Inappropriate Things…

…I thought of saying to nearby customers while shopping at Borders’ going out of business sale.   Note, I did not actually say them:

1.  Subject/Victim:  A bespectacled man in his 50s.

My Comment:  “That book is awesome.  You have no idea how many ways I could kill you right now.”

Sidenote:  I own this book and it IS awesome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  Subject/Victim:  A middle-aged woman in the “Religion” section.

My comment:   “Yeah…right…  More like ‘D-Bag Chopra’.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  Subject/Victim:  Tanned blonde co-ed in the “Wellness” section near the “Comedy” section.

My comment:  “You know, I was the inspiration for this book.  It’s really a biography.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  Subject/Victim:  Wealthy looking elderly couple.

My comment:  “Do you happen to be millionaires?  Because I’d like to discuss this book and an exciting investment opportunity with you…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  Subject/Victim:  Completely average WASP in the bargain bin.

My Comment:  “Ha!  No wonder they haven’t sold this book.  Everyone knows potheads can’t read.”

Ancient Aliens, & Why This Dude is a Tool

I’m cleaning my house while watching History Channel’s “Ancient Aliens”.  Purely for entertainment purposes, of course.  Though the “experts” appeal to scientific reasoning from time to time, we’re not dealing with science here, as their answer to every unknown in history is aliens.

How do we explain Norse gods?  They were aliens.

Finely crafted stone buildings built thousands of years ago?  Clearly made by aliens.

Life appears on the planet?  Put here by aliens.

Monster stories from other cultures?  Aliens.

The virgin birth of Mary?  Artificial alien insemination.

Humans experience a rapid period of progress at the end of the last Ice Age?  Aliens having sex with humans to make us more intelligent.

Please.  And then there is this guy’s hair and orange skin.   The real question is not whether aliens rampaged through our ancient history, but who’s hair is worse, Giorgio’s or Nic Cage’s:

Purity Ring 3000

“What you need is an ironclad chastity safeguard!”

“Is this what you wanted?”

Hell yeah!

Comedy Gold: Taking on Tyson

I recently watched the free iTunes sample of “Taking on Tyson”, a new reality show featuring Mike Tyson’s quest to enter the world of competitive pigeon racing.

No, I’m not kidding–professional pigeon racing!

You might be thinking, “That can’t be interesting,” but YOU’D BE WRONG, sucka! Tyson takes you straight into the emotional turbulence of his checkered, ear-biting past, and brings you out the other side to find the new champ, a man that is a tender-hearted lover of flying rats.  He’s actually likable.

The pilot episode included hilarious lines, but a few of which you can find in the youtube trailer for the series:

Now I could never race pigeons.  I don’t like the way they look at us, with such creepy, distracted malevolence.  If they were as big as a volkswagon, I’m sure they’d be swooping down from above, beaking people in half, or killing us with basketball sized droppings.  It’d be a regular Pigeonocalypse.  Thank God we won Mother Nature’s lottery and got the size advantage on them.

The Vikings Are Alive!

Proof (BTW, there is one use of an inappropriate word in the video, for those of you at work):

I’m just glad they’re cooking and not taking Christian slaves.  Catastrophically awesome!

So Stupid, It’s Awesome

I’m not a fan of shoes.  I’m not a fan of adulterists.  I’m not even a fan of Kanye West.  But this ridiculous commercial manages to blend all of the aforementioned into something that is hilarious.  There can be no doubt, this is how basketball was meant to be played.