Ancient Aliens, & Why This Dude is a Tool

I’m cleaning my house while watching History Channel’s “Ancient Aliens”.  Purely for entertainment purposes, of course.  Though the “experts” appeal to scientific reasoning from time to time, we’re not dealing with science here, as their answer to every unknown in history is aliens.

How do we explain Norse gods?  They were aliens.

Finely crafted stone buildings built thousands of years ago?  Clearly made by aliens.

Life appears on the planet?  Put here by aliens.

Monster stories from other cultures?  Aliens.

The virgin birth of Mary?  Artificial alien insemination.

Humans experience a rapid period of progress at the end of the last Ice Age?  Aliens having sex with humans to make us more intelligent.

Please.  And then there is this guy’s hair and orange skin.   The real question is not whether aliens rampaged through our ancient history, but who’s hair is worse, Giorgio’s or Nic Cage’s:

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Thoughts on the Women’s World Cup Final

Soccer was always my favorite sport, both to play and watch.  At any rate, the play today was impressive, and I thought I might lend the perspective of new eyes to today’s match between the US and Japan:

1.  Disappointed fans should cut our American girls some slack.  They played a stellar game, and with the exception of one mistake (trying to cross that ball in front of the goal instead of clearing it away), would have won.  In the words of an old character from classic cinema, “Sometimes, thems the breaks.”

2.  The Japanese goalie was totally a dude!  Somehow he ninja’d his junk away during inspections.

3.  We did not face a human team–those were bionically enhanced Japanese women!  If you doubt my words, consider an old “Robocalypse” post of mine, and the stated Japanese ambition of fielding an entirely robotic World Cup team. One “Shu Ishiguro, head of Robot Laboratory in Osaka, is confident that by 2050 Japanese robots will beat the human winners of World Cup Soccer.”

3.  At the game’s conclusion,  the female ESPN anchor said, “I’d take Hope Solo in my net any day.”   This took the prize for lines of commentary that could make a great double entendre.   If by “net”, she meant something else, I think many male spectators could get behind that statement.

4.  About Ms. Hope, every right-thinking bachelor in America had the following thought once during the game,  “If Hope Solo and I had a love-child, we could totally name him ‘Han’!”

5.  Lest you think me a total chauvinistic pig, I ask, who wouldn’t want to date Hope or one of the other players?  These women have the qualities any decent man wants in a wife and the mother of his children:  A.  They are disciplined and hard-working.  B.  They’ve chosen a healthy and physically fit lifestyle. C.  They have that balance between healthy pride and humility, and show the capacity to be team players, with all the compromise and sacrifice an outstanding team or marriage needs. D.  Okay, yes, there are good-looking women on that team.

6.  Did anyone else find the choice of post-game advertising totally bizarre?  A great commercial about the ladies on the team that was inspiring and uplifting for girls, followed rapidly by a spot for “CougarLife.com…voted the Wildest Dating Site on the Web”.      ?!     Talk about conflicting messages.  And let me tell you, as a man who had an 81 year old black woman named “Mama Hays” offer to teach him “everything (you) need to know bout makin’ FINE love to a woman”  one should not be too eager to experience that “wildness”.

 

Comedy Gold: Taking on Tyson

I recently watched the free iTunes sample of “Taking on Tyson”, a new reality show featuring Mike Tyson’s quest to enter the world of competitive pigeon racing.

No, I’m not kidding–professional pigeon racing!

You might be thinking, “That can’t be interesting,” but YOU’D BE WRONG, sucka! Tyson takes you straight into the emotional turbulence of his checkered, ear-biting past, and brings you out the other side to find the new champ, a man that is a tender-hearted lover of flying rats.  He’s actually likable.

The pilot episode included hilarious lines, but a few of which you can find in the youtube trailer for the series:

Now I could never race pigeons.  I don’t like the way they look at us, with such creepy, distracted malevolence.  If they were as big as a volkswagon, I’m sure they’d be swooping down from above, beaking people in half, or killing us with basketball sized droppings.  It’d be a regular Pigeonocalypse.  Thank God we won Mother Nature’s lottery and got the size advantage on them.

Awesome Apparel Pt. 1

I had a dispute with my immediate and extended families tonight over ferrets.  My sister-in-law mentioned the unsuitability of the ferret as a pet.  I countered that it was at least suitable for a coat, which prompted looks of surprised disdain from the ladies of the family.

“You mean a mink coat?”  one queried.

“Mink, ferret, same thing,” I responded.

“Uhh, no!”

“So what you’re telling me is if I bring my wife a ferret coat, I’m going to get slapped?”

My rebuttal has now been pre-planned; “If I hadn’t told you it was a ferret, you’d have been happy!  Typical…I got it on discount!”

And look at the awesome things you can do with it:

Where was God today?

When tragedy strikes one often hears the skeptic or atheist ask the question, “Where was God (while this was happening)?”

Today people throughout the St. Louis metropolitan area have reason to turn that question around.  Given two days of unseasonably warm weather (up to 69 degrees), quite predictably the clashing cold and warm fronts caused a turbulent weather system to roll through the area, with a tornado and 50 mph winds causing extensive property damage.

They think over 25 homes were decimated in Sunset Hills, along a major stretch of road (four to five lanes) rarely ever empty.  The photos show vehicles thrown into yards and residences, and some abodes leveled clear down to the foundations.  Telephone poles are eerily slanted at 45 degree angles, and trees as large in trunk diameter at the base as a man is tall were toppled.  In Fenton, a Catholic Church and school had roofing ripped off and flung.  Roofs were ripped off homes in North St. Louis.  Yet for the devastation, the power lines knocked down, the gas mains dangerously ruptured, there were only 2 minor injuries.

Should you wish to be awed by the miraculous lack of loss of life, you should see the aerial photos from one of the many local news channels.

So where was God today?  He was hard at work keeping people safe.  For all the warm weather that brought people outdoors, no one was struck by flying debris or sucked into a tornado.  Many cars were tossed and homes leveled, but no one was in them, or in the path of their flight.  Rain preceded the wind, yet for the downed power lines and conductive puddles, no one was shocked or electrocuted.

Consider that this unseasonable storm took place when the damaged church and school were on break.  Consider that the normally busy roadway that has been shutdown for hours was free of most traffic, as people had the day off for New Year’s Eve.  If there was any time you’d want a destructive storm to strike to lessen loss of life, this day would be it.   Perfect timing.

And God was working through the news anchor that urged viewers to take their now homeless neighbors into their homes.  He was working through the Salvation Army and religious charities that were finding shelter for the displaced, and taking up collections for the family of seven who had no insurance on their devastated home.

There is a Lord in Heaven.  He has NOT forsaken his children…

Tron & the Jesus

A colleague pointed out today that by all appearances, the new Tron movie (Legacy) is just a retelling of Salvation History.  Watch the video linked below, then I’ll make the argument below…

1.  The Father/Creator’s world Falls to sin.

2. His original henchman Clu (Satan)–CGI Jeff Bridges–turns against the Creator, seeking to corrupt & dominate the world of Man.

3.  Only the Son, by becoming Incarnate, can redeem the tainted creation.

One wonders, when the Second Coming of Christ occurs, will he have a sweet fighter jet made of light?!

Yeti Beatdown!

The Voice of Russia ran an amusing story on the source of Siberian angst this winter…fear that bears–shamed and starving after being kicked out of the woods by yetis–may infiltrate Russian villages in order to get food.  This would be a step down in the food chain for the bears, as most people are hard pressed to think of one example of palatable Russian cuisine.

Those taking umbrage with the above statement need be reminded that Vodka is not palatable on its own.

The thought of a war between bears and yetis is amusing enough, but got trumped for me by the most ridiculous statement in the article:

“Igor Burtsev has talked with local residents who claim that they have seen yetis with their own eyes. Sometimes, farmers take them for wood goblins. ‘Folk beliefs say that the wood goblin is the master of the woods. All animals, even bears, submit to him. The wood goblin has a strong hypnotic power, thus he is not afraid of any animal.’”

The thought of the yeti expert scoffing at those crazy wood goblin believers might be the most ironic thing I’ve seen this week. Yeah Igor, those farmers are so much more nuts than you…