Having recently turned 30, I’ve oddly been thinking about my funeral. Not because I’m in misery or anything–though I thought I’d be married by now. I think it does some good to take a step back and evaluate life. Many of the saints put emphasis on asking the question, “If I discovered I’d die in a week’s time, how would I live my last days?”
Who would you want to reconcile with? What did you wish you could do before the end? What rights would you wrong? How would you celebrate the gift you’ve been given? Why aren’t you living fully NOW?!
Anyway, I didn’t intend to get all philosophical. These are the reasons you want to be at my future funeral:
Sure, I’ll give people some time to properly mourn the passing of my magnificence from the world. After they’ve got the weeping out of the way, we’ll make sure things get back to being upbeat! How, you ask? Pressure plates and the theme from Monday Night Football (MNF)!
Earlier in the year, “study skills” presentations were mandated in morning homeroom. The kids hated them, and thought they were as boring as snot. That’s when I had a stroke of genius. By setting every presentation to the soundtrack of MNF, they became exponentially more interesting. Listen, and I think you’ll agree…
This song could make anything livelier! That’s why I’m having speakers cleverly concealed on the sides of my coffin, and linked to pressure plates that’ll be activated when the pallbearers grip the handles. Ten seconds after they lift me up, the thrilling sound of MNF will alert everyone to my “postgame show”.
Yes, in startlement they may drop me, leaving me to flop hideously out of the coffin and permanently scarring impressionable young minds forever. But it’s a risk worth taking!
2. Viking Funeral Barge
The second phase in my illustrious funeral will entail the loading of my coffin onto a Viking funeral barge, which will be set aflame by an archer positioned on shore. As my mortal remains are rendered unto dust, many women will weep and remember a Titan such as I once walked the earth.
3. Giant Jello Molds
There shall be but one food item at my wake: A giant Jello mold, sculpted in my very image, towering 30 feet tall, in the pose of the Captain! Fruit will be trapped in the mold, like ancient lifeforms in amber, and mourners will have to scoop straight from my form with spoons. I need not mention where the grapes will be positioned.