Five Inappropriate Things…

…I thought of saying to nearby customers while shopping at Borders’ going out of business sale.   Note, I did not actually say them:

1.  Subject/Victim:  A bespectacled man in his 50s.

My Comment:  “That book is awesome.  You have no idea how many ways I could kill you right now.”

Sidenote:  I own this book and it IS awesome.









2.  Subject/Victim:  A middle-aged woman in the “Religion” section.

My comment:   “Yeah…right…  More like ‘D-Bag Chopra’.”










3.  Subject/Victim:  Tanned blonde co-ed in the “Wellness” section near the “Comedy” section.

My comment:  “You know, I was the inspiration for this book.  It’s really a biography.”









4.  Subject/Victim:  Wealthy looking elderly couple.

My comment:  “Do you happen to be millionaires?  Because I’d like to discuss this book and an exciting investment opportunity with you…”








5.  Subject/Victim:  Completely average WASP in the bargain bin.

My Comment:  “Ha!  No wonder they haven’t sold this book.  Everyone knows potheads can’t read.”


Ancient Aliens, & Why This Dude is a Tool

I’m cleaning my house while watching History Channel’s “Ancient Aliens”.  Purely for entertainment purposes, of course.  Though the “experts” appeal to scientific reasoning from time to time, we’re not dealing with science here, as their answer to every unknown in history is aliens.

How do we explain Norse gods?  They were aliens.

Finely crafted stone buildings built thousands of years ago?  Clearly made by aliens.

Life appears on the planet?  Put here by aliens.

Monster stories from other cultures?  Aliens.

The virgin birth of Mary?  Artificial alien insemination.

Humans experience a rapid period of progress at the end of the last Ice Age?  Aliens having sex with humans to make us more intelligent.

Please.  And then there is this guy’s hair and orange skin.   The real question is not whether aliens rampaged through our ancient history, but who’s hair is worse, Giorgio’s or Nic Cage’s: