Soccer was always my favorite sport, both to play and watch. At any rate, the play today was impressive, and I thought I might lend the perspective of new eyes to today’s match between the US and Japan:
1. Disappointed fans should cut our American girls some slack. They played a stellar game, and with the exception of one mistake (trying to cross that ball in front of the goal instead of clearing it away), would have won. In the words of an old character from classic cinema, “Sometimes, thems the breaks.”
2. The Japanese goalie was totally a dude! Somehow he ninja’d his junk away during inspections.
3. We did not face a human team–those were bionically enhanced Japanese women! If you doubt my words, consider an old “Robocalypse” post of mine, and the stated Japanese ambition of fielding an entirely robotic World Cup team. One “Shu Ishiguro, head of Robot Laboratory in Osaka, is confident that by 2050 Japanese robots will beat the human winners of World Cup Soccer.”
3. At the game’s conclusion, the female ESPN anchor said, “I’d take Hope Solo in my net any day.” This took the prize for lines of commentary that could make a great double entendre. If by “net”, she meant something else, I think many male spectators could get behind that statement.
4. About Ms. Hope, every right-thinking bachelor in America had the following thought once during the game, “If Hope Solo and I had a love-child, we could totally name him ‘Han’!”
5. Lest you think me a total chauvinistic pig, I ask, who wouldn’t want to date Hope or one of the other players? These women have the qualities any decent man wants in a wife and the mother of his children: A. They are disciplined and hard-working. B. They’ve chosen a healthy and physically fit lifestyle. C. They have that balance between healthy pride and humility, and show the capacity to be team players, with all the compromise and sacrifice an outstanding team or marriage needs. D. Okay, yes, there are good-looking women on that team.
6. Did anyone else find the choice of post-game advertising totally bizarre? A great commercial about the ladies on the team that was inspiring and uplifting for girls, followed rapidly by a spot for “CougarLife.com…voted the Wildest Dating Site on the Web”. ?! Talk about conflicting messages. And let me tell you, as a man who had an 81 year old black woman named “Mama Hays” offer to teach him “everything (you) need to know bout makin’ FINE love to a woman” one should not be too eager to experience that “wildness”.