Buttless Wonder

Over the weekend, I helped chaperone a religious retreat, and during the break periods the Olympics were invariably viewed. One of the other adults–a huge fan of Michael Phelps–informed the group that scientists had studied his body, and discovered that it was ideally suited for swimming. Among the many features that give him an edge is his lack of a butt. Less drag and the like…

What they won’t tell you is that his butt was surgically removed and replaced with a top-secret outboard motor (fueled by the 12,000 calories he consumes daily). Who knew?!

Now that he’s won all his medals, I get to stop hearing how cro-magnon man is “so hot”. Honestly, in the words of that Irish guy from Braveheart, “He can’t be [William Wallace/Michael Phelps]! I’m prettier than this man.

Ladies, it would be one thing if you had a crush on him because he’s an incredible athlete who seems really down-to-earth and is great with kids. But no, that’s not the feature on which I’ve heard you focusing. Just goes to prove that if a man is famous and/or sufficiently wealthy, women will go ga-ga over him no matter how ugly he is*. And we’re the shallow sex?!

*A phenomenon I refer to as the “Mick Jagger Effect”.

6 Responses to “Buttless Wonder”

  1. sittingpugs Says:

    The Mick Jagger Effect….much like the Billy Bob Thornton Sexy-Ugly?

    if a man is famous and/or sufficiently wealthy, women will
    go ga-ga over him no matter how ugly he is

    Does it work in reverse? If you replaced “man” with “woman” and “women” with “men” in the above statement, is there any truth in it?

    In aesthetically mismatched couples, where one of them is better looking than the other (probably more so in terms of face rather than body), and if the woman is much hotter/cuter/prettier than the man, does the cynic immediately think, “he’s got to be rich or resourceful in other ways.” On the other hand, if the man were much hotter/cuter than the woman, what kind of assessment is made? “She’s got to be rich?” If the less attractive person is much older, then monetary stability is probably the most ‘logical explanation.’

    If age isn’t an issue (they don’t appear to be more than seven to ten years apart), what then?

    Mick Jagger is immortal. he must be.

  2. artaban7 Says:

    You raise good questions. I honestly don’t think wealth or fame translate into attraction quite as well with men. If I were to make an argument from the perspective of evolutionary biology, I’d say that there is survival value for women to select for men that are wealthy or famous. Conversely, there isn’t much survival value for men, as most human societies have been patriarchal, and therefore few women have the wealth for men to lust after.

    On the other hand, I do know quite a few Christian couples where the couples are “aesthetically mismatched”, and the men appreciate a different type of beauty in their wives; their moral beauty. Thanks for the thought-provoking post, sittingpugs!

    P.S. I readily concede that while I think women more likely to be superficial for reasons of money or fame, women are also more likely to ignore a disparity in physical attractiveness when selecting a mate.

  3. sittingpugs Says:

    Thanks for the thought-provoking post, sittingpugs!

    De nada. It’s why I’m here…to provoke thoughts. And to make gloves not swarms.

  4. abarclay12 Says:

    Before one of his races, NBC actually announced that he basically had no butt. I was pretty shocked, but then I noticed that he didn’t. He needs booty-lifting skinny jeans if he’s going to rock the Beijing downtown nightlife.

  5. Arandur Says:

    Of course he has no butt. Have you ever seen a fish with a butt? [i]Michael phelps[/i] is a species of fish in the class Actinopterygii (classification currently debated).

  6. Chim chim Says:

    this is funny. I use the name buttless wonder on a gaming site i play games on. I thought I invented it. And then today I discovered that one website even sells hats and tshirts that say buttless wonder on them!

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