Over the weekend, I helped chaperone a religious retreat, and during the break periods the Olympics were invariably viewed. One of the other adults–a huge fan of Michael Phelps–informed the group that scientists had studied his body, and discovered that it was ideally suited for swimming. Among the many features that give him an edge is his lack of a butt. Less drag and the like…
What they won’t tell you is that his butt was surgically removed and replaced with a top-secret outboard motor (fueled by the 12,000 calories he consumes daily). Who knew?!
Now that he’s won all his medals, I get to stop hearing how cro-magnon man is “so hot”. Honestly, in the words of that Irish guy from Braveheart, “He can’t be [William Wallace/Michael Phelps]! I’m prettier than this man.“
Ladies, it would be one thing if you had a crush on him because he’s an incredible athlete who seems really down-to-earth and is great with kids. But no, that’s not the feature on which I’ve heard you focusing. Just goes to prove that if a man is famous and/or sufficiently wealthy, women will go ga-ga over him no matter how ugly he is*. And we’re the shallow sex?!
*A phenomenon I refer to as the “Mick Jagger Effect”.