For the sake of your consumptive peace and happiness, I give you my list of food commandments. Abide by these, o faithful one, and your odds of gastrointestinal turbulence will be much reduced:
1. Never eat anything larger than your head.
2. Lemonade and cornbread muffins do not mix.
3. Avoid eating anything that, going in, looks like it will coming out.
4. Thou shalt not drink soda before 10 am.
5. Thou shalt not eat chocolate before 10 am.
6. The one exception to rule #5 is if thou shalt have the opportunity to eat said chocolate off the body of thy spouse.
That is all. I (or rather, the royal “we”) have spoken!