How to deal with rejection…

When I offer a girl a date, they don’t often say “no”. In fact, having dated over 50 girls in my life, I can count on one hand the number that’ve turned me down. Of the handful, three said they had boyfriends, and I respect their honesty (I’ve also had girls with boyfriends want to date me).

So tonight I met girl-with-boyfriend #3, and it was a good thing. Reminds me I’m a mere mortal, and gives a taste of what most guys have to deal with regularly. Even with my history of success, it stung for about ten minutes. I know men girls fawn over who nonetheless have difficulty approaching women. I’ve been asked by many such guys (several more handsome/stylish than myself) how I do what I do. Here are some of my tips and tricks for conquering that fear of rejection that paralyzes so many:

1. Get comfortable with approaching women. This doesn’t mean you have to ask them out. Begin by complimenting a girl, and then leave. Be genuine; don’t use some smarmy pick-up line or seem like you’re out to get something. Learning to walk away–and to move on YOUR terms–is one of the best ways to build confidence and simultaneously create attraction. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been able to go back later and get a number/date after having coolly, confidently walked away the first time.

2. Practice does make perfect. You are going to have to face rejection before you ultimately find the right girl. Welcome to life. Michael Jordan missed tens of thousands of shots to reach mastership of his craft. He still misses shots. Free your self image and confidence from circumstances beyond your control (i.e. the inconstant emotions of the fairer sex).

3. Frame your “rejections” in positive terms. This technique was one I had to use tonight. She didn’t say she didn’t want to get to know me, or that she found me revolting (in fact, I approached her because she was sending the vibe so heavily a friend also pointed it out). She said she had a boyfriend. That leads me to presume (rightly or wrongly) that the answer would have been different had her status been so too…

4. Don’t dwell on the past or the recent situation, look to the future. I reestablished my confidence tonight in part because I was able to say, “Well, I’m one girl closer to finding her (or to being reunited with her, as the case may be).”

5. Fortune favors the bold (and the humorous). Women don’t respond to looks in quite the way guys do–you can accomplish more with confidence and humor than the typical Adonis. Play off the misguided female interest in “bad boys” by being confident and cocky, but be playful about it. Don’t take yourself too seriously, and make it clear to her she shouldn’t either. This is easier said than done by the time you’re in a committed relationship, and she does really own a piece of heartside real estate.

6. When it does sting, when you do get emotionally sucker-punched, used, or knocked down, get back up. Remember the story isn’t over, and don’t make the next girl suffer because of the mistakes of the last. You wouldn’t want to try building the next relationship on the old one’s bitterness, so why would you bring memories of the last rejection to your next attempt at getting to know someone?

And as a word of advice, if a girl says she “doesn’t want to lead you on,” that’s pretty much proof she IS leading you on, and on some level knows it.  She’s trying to assuage her sense of guilt. There’s a time to be nice and a time to tell the truth (and the truth will set you free). Don’t be the nice guy and help her get away with self-deception.

Appreciate the girls that are honest or self-aware enough not to lead you on…like the pleasant young lady I spoke with tonight.

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