(The Moral Theology of) The Devil’s Burger

Conscripted into service as “grillmaster” at a friend’s recent party, I had to face once more the task of grilling the dreaded veggie burger.  Of all the things one can be asked to grill, the veggie burger is the worst, and I’ve taken to calling it “the Devil’s Burger”.  Oh yes, vegans may think it healthier and more environmentally friendly than the meat onslaught normally seen at BBQs, but consider the other characteristics of the veggie burger:

1.  Like the devil, it does not burn.  I demonstrated this characteristic conclusively at the BBQ, to the consternation and amazement of onlookers.  At one point, it looked like it had char marks upon it, but I quickly proved it had merely picked up the charring from the previous meatburger.  Which leads to the next characteristic.

2.  Like Hell, it subsumes other substances into itself, corrupting them along the way.  

3.  Dogs refuse to eat it, as do most sane people.  The reason is simple–the Natural Law abhors the veggie burger at a fundamental level.  

4.  The burger violates one of my “rules of food consumption”*; do not eat anything that, going in, looks the way it will coming out.  

Some may express intellectual doubts as to my claim.  After all, how could something composed of so many good things turn out to be such a hideous abomination?  Nonetheless, if you search your heart you’ll realize I’m right.  As Thomas Aquinas pointed out, evil is the distortion of something that, in its proper place and proportion, is itself good.  There can be no further doubt…these things will be served up by the score in Hell.   

*Rule #1:  Never eat anything larger than your own head.  Follow these two rules, and most of the time you’ll be okay.  


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