On January 22nd I have the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s the type you only have once…Next Tuesday the half-abandoned building across the street goes up for public auction. The bidding begins at a modest $10,000, and everyone knows now is the time to buy, buy, buy.
Of course, to make it a proper slum, I’d need to run down the property. Under normal circumstances, I’d be in violation of city ordinances doing so, but I’m thinking with all the “Green” hype I can get away with it and actually get government subsidies in the process. I’ll refuse to upgrade the plumbing and drywall, because tearing all that out and hauling it away would emit too much CO2 (gasp!).
I’ll put in some mud toilets, burn torches instead of lightbulbs, dig a pit for a nice little cesspool (with the impending water crisis, we wouldn’t want flushing toilets making things worse)… And once I’m carbon neutral, I’ll run some nasty hos up in there. And by nasty hos, I totally mean prostitutes dressed like 80s cartoon characters. Perfect cover from the authorities, especially since “Thundercats, HO!!!” is literally written into the theme song.