Five Inappropriate Things…

…I thought of saying to nearby customers while shopping at Borders’ going out of business sale.   Note, I did not actually say them:

1.  Subject/Victim:  A bespectacled man in his 50s.

My Comment:  “That book is awesome.  You have no idea how many ways I could kill you right now.”

Sidenote:  I own this book and it IS awesome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.  Subject/Victim:  A middle-aged woman in the “Religion” section.

My comment:   “Yeah…right…  More like ‘D-Bag Chopra’.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  Subject/Victim:  Tanned blonde co-ed in the “Wellness” section near the “Comedy” section.

My comment:  “You know, I was the inspiration for this book.  It’s really a biography.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4.  Subject/Victim:  Wealthy looking elderly couple.

My comment:  “Do you happen to be millionaires?  Because I’d like to discuss this book and an exciting investment opportunity with you…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  Subject/Victim:  Completely average WASP in the bargain bin.

My Comment:  “Ha!  No wonder they haven’t sold this book.  Everyone knows potheads can’t read.”

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One Response to “Five Inappropriate Things…”

  1. Stuart Says:

    You totally should have said them. Awesome.

    Love the “Be Ready” book: http://www.amazon.com/Ready-When-Goes-Down-Apocalypse/dp/0061998265/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313778230&sr=8-1

    Why don’t you own that one???
    From Amazon:

    Have you dug up your wife’s rose garden and built a fallout shelter, equipped with a prison where you can lock up annoying family members?

    Have you mapped out an escape route to your safe zone?

    Is there a vehicle of death sitting in your garage?

    Have you filled your go bag with all the needed instruments, including waterproof matches, postapocalyptic goggles, and at least one sexual party favor?

    Have you learned how to milk various types of animals, including a giraffe?

    You need this book more than you even know. Without it, you’re roadkill. Lucky for you, Forrest Griffin is the perfect apocalyptic chaperone. From spotting the signs of the global downfall to alienating your loved ones now so they don’t come looking for you after, to hot-wiring a car to starting a religion in your own image, Griffin provides you with all the hot knowledge you need to survive the downfall of civilization. Simply put, this is the most important book about the apocalypse that you will ever read by a UFC fighter from Georgia.

    Forrest Griffin:He is the Day man, fighter of the Night man, and champion of the sun. He is also a master of karate and friendship for everyone.

    Comments:
    I cracked it to read a page, and I got hooked in by a quiz about “when you eat your friend”. I smiled openly (and I am female) and proceeded to read out loud the inlet of the cover.

    I could have done without the knowing that Forrest attempted to milk penguins when doing research for this book; sadly only a nuclear explosion (nearby) will erase that from my memory. I hope the penguin wasn’t traumatized…or at least not as bad as Forrest when he saw a freshly killed deer stuffed into the trunk of a Lincoln Continental.


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