Reasons My Funeral Will Rock!

Having recently turned 30, I’ve oddly been thinking about my funeral.  Not because I’m in misery or anything–though I thought I’d be married by now.  I think it does some good to take a step back and evaluate life.  Many of the saints put emphasis on asking the question, “If I discovered I’d die in a week’s time, how would I live my last days?”

Who would you want to reconcile with?  What did you wish you could do before the end?  What rights would you wrong?  How would you celebrate the gift you’ve been given?  Why aren’t you living fully NOW?!

Anyway, I didn’t intend to get all philosophical.  These are the reasons you want to be at my future funeral:

1.  Hi-Jinx

Sure, I’ll give people some time to properly mourn the passing of my magnificence from the world.  After they’ve got the weeping out of the way, we’ll make sure things get back to being upbeat!  How, you ask?  Pressure plates and the theme from Monday Night Football (MNF)!

Earlier in the year, “study skills” presentations were mandated in morning homeroom.  The kids hated them, and thought they were as boring as snot.  That’s when I had a stroke of genius.  By setting every presentation to the soundtrack of MNF,  they became exponentially more interesting.  Listen, and I think you’ll agree…

This song could make anything livelier!  That’s why I’m having speakers cleverly concealed on the sides of my coffin, and linked to pressure plates that’ll be activated when the pallbearers grip the handles.  Ten seconds after they lift me up, the thrilling sound of MNF will alert everyone to my “postgame show”.

Yes, in startlement they may drop me, leaving me to flop hideously out of the coffin and permanently scarring impressionable young minds forever.  But it’s a risk worth taking!

2.  Viking Funeral Barge

The second phase in my illustrious funeral will entail the loading of my coffin onto a Viking funeral barge, which will be set aflame by an archer positioned on shore.  As my mortal remains are rendered unto dust, many women will weep and remember a Titan such as I once walked the earth.

3.  Giant Jello Molds

There shall be but one food item at my wake: A giant Jello mold, sculpted  in my very image, towering 30 feet tall, in the pose of the Captain! Fruit will be trapped in the mold, like ancient lifeforms in amber, and mourners will have to scoop straight from my form with spoons.   I need not mention where the grapes will be positioned.

A Few Questions…

It’s interesting how those who oppose the current government plans are being dismissed as “anti-reform”, when that accusation is really the furthest thing from the truth.

I don’t know anyone who is claiming something doesn’t need to be done about healthcare.  Where we truly differ is in the details–whom should be the primary engine of that reform, and how it should be conducted.

Some well-meaning (though ignorant) people believe government is the only organization that can “fix” the problem.  Others believe you will NEVER fix healthcare if government is the sole or primary hope for a solution.  Only by engaging the issues at multiple levels, and most especially at the most basic (that of the individual), will a true solution present itself.

For those who put their faith and hope in an impersonal government system, I have a few simple questions.   Answer them, and you should begin to realize why the informed among us have so little confidence in government-driven “healthcare reform”.

1.  Of the 535 members of Congress, how many actually have a medical degree?

2.  Of the members of Congress, how many have degrees in economics?

3.  How many doctors–trained in different fields of medicine–do you see in a single year?

4.  Do you know how much you’re going to spend on healthcare-related expenses for the next year?   Is there a possibility you could have expenses beyond your “budget”?

Answer #1: There are 14 members of Congress with MDs;  10 Republicans, 4 Democrats.  In other words, only 2.6% of our “saviors”  have real experience or training concerning the system they’re trying to fix.

Answer #2: According to the Center for Economic and Entrepreneurial Literacy, prior to the last election, just 6.7% of Congress specifically had an (undergraduate) economics degree.  Furthermore, according to a Wall Street Journal article from October 1st, 2008, “Such a rubric leaves off Senate Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd and ranking member Richard Shelby, as well as House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank and ranking member Spencer Bachus. They all have law degrees, but don’t have formal education in other economics-related fields.”

When we talk about medical expenses, we’re discussing a system that accounts for 1/6th of the entire U.S. economy.  It might be good to have some very good economists assisting doctors in making decisions.

Answer #3: Individually, every year I see my general practitioner, my dentist, rheumatologist, and a physical therapist.  Every other year I see an opthamologist (contact prescription), and podiatrist (orthotics for my fallen arches).  Human health is awfully complex, even when we’re just talking about a single person in pretty good health.

Even if all 535 Congressmen and women were doctors, they’d never be able to attend to the medical needs of the “36-48 million who are currently uninsured”.  Why do we think these non-specialists can “fix” this problem?  Who is naive here?

Answer #4: I don’t know how much I’m going to spend on healthcare in a given year.  Neither do you.  That’s the whole reason we have insurance, “health savings accounts”, and tax deductions if medical expenses exceed 7% of income.  That’s why Medicare is projected to go bankrupt.  Medical costs are that volatile, which is the real reason insurance premiums increase so rapidly (not because insurers are evil or greedy).  Stuff happens, especially when many aren’t taking proper care of themselves.

Yet government healthcare partisans actually believe Obama and the Congressional Budget Office when they claim this plan will only cost “$1 trillion over the next ten years”, or will be “budget neutral”.   What’s that I smell?  Seems like a steaming pile of BS to me.

So how do we fix this mess?

For one, we emphasize the role of the INDIVIDUAL, not the government.  Healthcare reform must BEGIN at the level of the individual, not the federal government.

Proper diet, exercise, and sleep are the foundation for health, and many of the expensive medical conditions of our society begin with the individual.  According to the CDC, lung cancer is the second most common type of cancer, and the most lethal. Although 80-90% of all cases of lung cancer are attributable to smoking, millions of individuals continue this irresponsible practice.

Most cases of obesity, Type II Diabetes, and heart disease can be directly linked to the avoidable habits and addictions of individuals.  These are the conditions that account for the lion’s share of American healthcare costs. We will never succeed in curbing healthcare expenses or delivering true health while we fail to address the matter at the level of individual responsibility.

The number of people who allegedly die from lack of insurance every year (45,000), and the number of people driven into bankruptcy by medical costs (700,000) appear to be the two main “reasons” Mr. Obama and others are using as “justification” for government-driven reform.    In a nation of 300 million people, together these groups represent a mere 0.2% of the population.   Why such fear-mongering over such a minuscule segment of the population?  Why constantly raise the specters of bankruptcy and death to every citizen?

Still, those 745,000 are someone’s loved ones, and fortunately represent such a small group, relatively tiny civic organizations can pool charity to deliver medical care and remediate medical expenses.  I know such efforts are feasible because I’ve been part of them.  My graduate school pooled tiny cash contributions to pay for the emergency medical care of two people without insurance.  One recovered from her cancer, and the other retired debt from an expensive and invasive surgery.

As Socrates believed, if you ask the right questions, the complex becomes manageable, and solutions present themselves.  We do not require the crutch of government dependence or inefficiency.

I Threw It on the Ground!

In their never-ending quest to share with me all things inane, my students introduced me to “Saturday Night Live” comic Andy Samberg, and his video “Threw It on the Ground!”

I generally dislike rap, so I give Samberg credit for spoofing that genre’s ridiculous lyrics, and refusing to be “a part of the system”.  For those that might be in search of more of his work, beware.  Other videos are highly inappropriate, and definitely not suitable for public or family viewing (language and sexual innuendo, not violence or nudity).  In fact, some of his other work is extremely morally offensive (turned it off less than a minute in).  So offensive I considered not even posting this review out of concern people would seek out more of his work.  This video mentions tazing in “the butthole”, and that appears to be as tame as Samberg gets.

Still, this vid is funny.  I’m thinking of making a sequel.  There are some people I’d like to throw on the ground (of course, being a Christian I won’t, but that doesn’t mean a man can’t dream).

The Rise of Johnny 5

In the days of my youth, two movies were released that featured the robot “Johnny 5,” a military experiment turned sentient.  ”Short Circuit” and “Short Circuit 2″ blended technology with lowbrow slapstick humor in a tale about a three-fingered robot with a gentle soul.

After seeing the Youtube footage below, I’m dearly hoping any future three-fingered robots resemble “Johnny 5″ more than the Terminator.  After you see what this robohand can do, I think you’ll agree that we better hope humanity doesn’t have to square off against any AI mechanoid.

It is somewhat of a leap to imagine a world of humans enhanced and outfitted with robotic prosthetics, or humanoid robots with a level of AI, but then again I wouldn’t have imagined the hand would be capable of what it achieves.  Of course, the real marvel is not just the speed at which the robot operates, but the minds that made it possible.  Maybe there is reason to hope humanity would prevail (not that we’d need to, oh benevolent robot masters that observe us even now from the future).

Irony: Obama and the Dalai Lama

What do Fox News and the Dalai Lama have in common?  They’re both among the few people with whom Barack Obama refuses to meet.  When you look at the parade of crazies, tyrants, and murderers he has met with, the list of his snubs begins to look like awfully good company.

A more thorough examination of the political backhand the newest Nobel Peace prize winner handed to his fellow peace laureate can be read here.

It’s the height of irony that the Peace prize–a symbol of unity and willingness to step beyond the bounds of partisanship in courageous adherence to the truth–would be given to a man such as Obama.  I suppose it shouldn’t be much of a surprise, after the fiasco with Gore.  At least our president had enough sense left to feel some shame about the award.

I would say the last shreds of the Nobel committee’s credibility are yet another casualty of the Obama presidency, but Barack can’t really be blamed.  They brought it on themselves.

Cartoon by Glenn McCoy.

Some Real Solutions to Healthcare Woes

The video below is one of many that can be found by individuals that’ve lived under “universal healthcare” systems in other countries, and oppose the current attempts to institute it in the United States. 

Further resources for those seeking solutions and information on healthcare reform can be found at  Fixhealthcarepolicy.com . The site  has a tremendous amount of information, including reforms supported by conservatives, short informational videos, and factual information from third party analysts and the Congressional Budget Office. 

“Feel the Steel”

Yeah, the title of Steel Panther’s first album totally sounds like part of a “that’s what she said” joke. When my students initially introduced me to the band, my first thought was, “these guys are totally gay.”

Then I saw the Youtube video for “Death to all but Metal” (warning–not safe for work or decent company).  These guys have made a career making fun of the big hair bands of the 80s, and I find that hilarious.  My only complaint is that they do so with more vulgarity than necessary (f-bombs and over-the-top sexual innuendo).

I was in a band once.   We called ourselves “Porcelain Skunk”, and our 80s power ballad was called “Sprayed by Love”.  Oh, the good old days…

Healthcare is a Duty, not a “Right”

Sadly, in the heat of the argument, some subtle distinctions concerning the nature of healthcare are being lost on those vociferously arguing for a “universal healthcare plan”.  One such distinction is the difference between a duty and a right.

In spite of claims made by my opponents, I have never argued that people should be denied healthcare.  Christ came to heal the sick.  I’ve even posted earlier that we DO have universal emergency healthcare, and it is appropriate to have it. Nor have I ever stated that healthcare should be denied to individuals.  Though in a world of finite resources, there MUST be limits on healthcare–dictated by what a society is able to provide.  One of my main problems with those willing to “tax the rich” to provide universal healthcare is their hypocrisy; even an American making $24,000 a year is vastly more wealthy than the third of humanity that subsists on $1 a day.

If we ethically follow the argument that those with more should/can have their livelihoods taken from them to provide for the “have nots”, every single American should have the majority of their income taken from them.  Shortly thereafter, the medical advances provided by innovation and wealth will disappear, and the quality of care for all will swiftly decline.  Allowing wealth and providing a reward and incentives for hard work and innovation are the very things which make progress and better standards of living possible for all.

There are many charitable organizations that help people afford care they cannot finance on their own (St. Vincent De Paul Society, for one).

There are already protections in law that prevent medical service providers from seizing your assets to cover the cost of expensive medical treatments.  As long as you are paying something monthly (even a miniscule amount), healthcare providers cannot seize assets or wealth.

With permission from the author (Stuart Miller), I’ve included some observations that shed further clarity on the debate:

Many of the arguments used in conjunction with the various ObamaPlans bear similarities to reprehensible, high-pressure sales tactics:

1. We must pass this health care bill NOW! Don’t bother researching it or reading the fine print!

2. Salesman wants the best for you: We have to take care of you with this stimulus plan, this health care plan (you can’t take care of yourself without this).

3. Fear-mongering: If we don’t do this, disaster will strike, people will die.

4. You can’t afford NOT to buy this: Ignore the $1 Trillion+ cost and any economic analysis, ignore the fact that we’re already totally bankrupt and you and your children are effectively debtors enslaved to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

5. Get on the bandwagon. All the rest of the developed world is doing it.  Forget the fact that many of them are moving from universal healthcare back to private plans.  You don’t need to analyze how they’re doing it, cultural factors that change the healthcare equation, or discover why our system is better at creating new forms of better treatment than others.

6. Your current product is not just too expensive, it’s bad for you. Distort those infant mortality rates! Ignore the fact that we have the most medical research and have routinely produced more Nobel laureates in Medicine than all other countries combined!

8. Only wackos reject this. Anyone who questions these policies is an idiot and a fringe, radical right wing, racist, rich, poor-people-hating, greedy corporate villain conspiring against our president, a president who loves you and lives only to do what is best (in his godlike knowledge) for you.

9. You deserve this/you’re entitled to it. Healthcare is a right, and you have a right to socialized, government-provided healthcare.

This last is perhaps the most dangerous. The others are shameless, blatantly-deceptive, morally-reprehensible, argumentatively-fallacious sales tactics. The belief in a “right” to health care, however, undermines all true rights and the very foundations of our country. It also taints and distorts any discussion about the role and power of government and the foundations of human morality.

No health care is a “right,” in the sense of intrinsic/basic human rights like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  It is a moral duty for us to attempt to provide reasonable healthcare as widely and fairly as possible. It is not a “right,” nor can it ever be. Health care requires one person to provide a service (which they spent great time, effort, and money to make available) to another person. No “right” can require another person to perform a service for you. You have no “right” to another person’s skill and labor. If you did, then it would be a right to own a slave.

Claiming a “right” to health care makes slaves of healthcare professionals (indeed, the party in power has proposed many policies placing demands upon healthcare professionals). Even worse, socialized healthcare also enslaves citizens to labor in order to pay for the healthcare of others and puts the decisions and control over an entire population in the hands of a few people with the power to use force, fines, or imprisonment against you. What better way to exert control than to make every last citizen dependent upon you for their very health and life?

Parenting as a School of Virtues

Part of my new job involves overseeing a number of foreign students living on campus.  We have kids from 6 countries, and ranging from the age of 12 to 21.

While they are in the States, I’m one of the individuals that acts in loco parentis, getting them to and from doctors’ appointments and grocery runs, and putting in late and early hours at the airport on both ends of extended breaks.

When they have a problem, I have to help deal with it.   It forces you to stop taking things for granted (I had to teach an 8th grader how to vacuum a floor recently).  I admit to being caught slightly unawares on Yearbook Picture Day, when I found myself holding an impromptu clinic on how to achieve a successful half-Windsor knot on one’s necktie.

I also have to administer discipline.  I fear I was too lenient at my last school!  So far that has meant confiscating a dozen computers of students who’ve failed to heed “lights out” and get proper sleep.  It’s also entailed assignment of chores when students persist in cussing in foreign languages.  As I explained to one student, “If you can’t clean up your mouth, at least you’ll clean up the dorm”.

These are tasks that require patience, consistency, fairness, selflessness, and quite a bit of fortitude and wisdom.  I’ve found myself marveling at how swiftly the act of parenting has caused me to grow toward holiness (alas, I yet have far to travel).   While I’ve observed that internal change, it’s also made me wonder if a good deal of American selfishness arises from having fewer people who’ve been molded by the crucible of parenting.

Good parenting forces you to model the virtues found lacking (or vital) in your child.  It forces you to watch your tongue, and evaluate the cultural messages and influences around you with an eye to those who are more impressionable.   This heightened awareness–I’ve been told–often leads men to return to religion, and incites a shift in women away from politically liberal positions, and toward conservatism.  I’ve even heard a priest argue that decline in the number of religious vocations quite naturally follows a reduction in the number of holy families.

In short, parenting is perhaps the action that most requires godliness, as it models the relationship of God to his children.  Would that we had more who were willing to be parents.  Would that the woman I’d hope to be the mother of my children would change her mind…

Primal Stories: Dust Echoes

Much to my delight, this  semester I find myself teaching a course on World Religions.  During our first class, I posed the question, “What is religion?” to the students, telling them, “You’re smart guys–surely a three word question will be simple to answer.”

We spent the next twenty-five minutes in a deep and quick-moving discussion.  For my next trick, I pulled out the short video “Whirlpool” from the excellent website Dust Echoes, and used it to segue into a discussion on symbolism and primal religions (aboriginal, tribal, and native american religions).  If you have time, definitely spend some exploring that website.

It’s my assertion that it is precisely from our capacity to Reason that mankind’s artistic and religious sensibilities arise.

Would one survive if you cut it off from the other?

It is no coincidence that most of the art produced over the course of human history–indeed even in the earliest surviving cave paintings–contains religious content or inspirations.   Far from being antithetical to rational thought, religion is an inevitable outgrowth of it.   Religion is one of the most distinctly human of actions.